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When you answer the questions

Answer the questions as best you can! Some questions may be difficult to answer.

You  may copy the question frame below into a document. Then you can write down keywords if that’s best for you.

In the session, we start by finding the clue to your behaviour/attachment style in your relationship.

Childhood attachment relationships

    1. What kind of family did you grow up in? (facts such as number of siblings, possible divorce, social relationships, typical things you did)
    2. Who were your primary caregivers? Maybe your parents were different?
    3. Could you always count on getting care from this person/people? (e.g. there was a predictability in how accessible they were)
    4. In what situations were you more likely to receive care from this person/people? (For example, when they were not busy, when they were happy, when you was physically  hurt, if you were bullied, etc.)
    5. How did you show this person/people you needed contact and care? (E.g. by crying, hanging your head, going directly to them)

Model of attachment from your parents    

  1. How did your parents show care and love for and to each other? (kissed, hugged, held hands, said nice things, acknowledged each other, smiled, had fun, did things together, etc.)
  2. Did your parents fight? How did they get together afterward? Did they resolve the conflicts and rediscover the closeness?
  3. Were they openly and loving? (was it thus clear that they loved each other, or was it more difficult to see “they were just together – because they were”)

Your previous romantic attachment relationships

  1. Have you been able to find comfort and support in your past relationships? (e.g. when you felt insecure or upset, had experienced something that threw your mind off balance or got angry when your partner did not behave fairly, etc.)
  2. Have your previous partners ever let you down or been unavailable at critical times? (have you experienced infidelity, unpredictable bad behaviour, turning your back, betrayal, physical or psychological violence, etc.)
  3. Have there been any particularly traumatic events in your past love relationships? (infidelity, accident, illness, death in the family, great sadness, etc.)
  4. How have you tried to seek comfort and support in love relationships? (For example, when you feel vulnerable, how will you seek comfort and attention from your partner? For example, by being held, listened to, having sex, watching a film together, being massaged, going for a walk, doing things together, being met with recognition, receive a sweet message, etc.)
  5. What did you learn about comfort and contact from your former partner(s)?
  6. Have there been times when you were unable to be vulnerable and find comfort and support from your partner? (where you gave up, just got mad, etc.)
  7. If no one was safe, how did you comfort yourself? (Did you go to a trusted friend, try to eat or drink your way out of the problem, switch off and watch a movie, buy new clothes, etc.)

     

Generally, about your way of being safe in the world

  1. How did you learn to be comfortable with people? (can you be safe and what does it take to feel safe – and how did you learn it?)
  2. What have you done to seek security if there was no one to reach out to? (Are you looking for solitude, films, distractions, sports, animals, alcohol or euphoric drugs, books, work, nature, etc.)
  3. Have you ever used, for example, alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, work, or material things as comfort or a substitute for closeness with another(s)?

Attachment, contact, care and dialogue with your partner NOW

  1. What do you do when you get insecure? (e.g. if you are giving up or encounter a pattern you have again and again, if you are afraid inside that you may risk your relationship, if you are fearful of being rejected by your partner, if you are afraid of being belittled)
  2. What do you do when you encounter resistance?
  3. What do you need when you get sad, insecure, discouraged, etc.? (is it a hug, to be listened to, understood, or to be alone? or?)
  4. What do you need to get out of a difficult situation? (To be understood and respected, to see your partner do something new, to feel that your partner is also upset, right?)
  5. What do you think is happening with your partner? (What kind of thoughts, feelings and patterns occupy your partner)
  6. Where do you two land when things get difficult between you? (how do you land on your two feet, separately and how do you meet each other, or do you?)
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2610 Rødovre

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Email: kontakt@rodovre-terapicenter.dk

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